Day 1 – September 27th
My pain is as raw as my bleeding heart. I am confused. My flesh is hurting and my eyes are burning from crying endlessly. I am exhausted and this is just the beginning.
I gave him 5 years and the best of me. Now, his crushing me with his lies and ignorance, like I’m the tiniest leaf blown by the wind. He doesn’t see me as a human being any longer. I’m just a problem that needs to be taken care of. Our vows, our promises, our dreams lost their contour. They died the moment he cheated. With each moment he chose her over me, everything transformed into a vanished old memory.
Home is just a graveyard now. I’m standing here, slowly packing the last pieces of myself. I need to move on and I have no idea how.
By 8 o’clock, Sam knocks at the door and asks me if I’m ready. I can’t take many things for now. My luggage is light and the animals are prepared for their journey. While he loads the car, I am mechanically doing one last check. I take a look around and activate the alarm. The first seconds, away from the life I knew, are officially ticking. There’s no turning back at this point.
I get in the car and a vibrant piano playlist is singing in the background. The type of songs that whispers you to trust the process, as they welcome you into a new chapter. The animals are calmed and secured. Sam looks at me, the engine starts and I am holding tight on my seat belt. Rain drops are dancing on the windscreen, while we get moving in a shivering darkness.
God, where are you?
30 minutes pass by and we arrive at their place. Kelly, his wife, greets me with her arms wide open. My cheeks are brushed by the indoor heat and my senses are numbed by the unfamiliar. I`ve never been here before and I don’t know how to feel. However, it does seem peaceful and quiet. I need to be within a family. I just lost mine.
We bring everything inside and shortly after I take Mira, my dog, for a walk. She knows something is happening. For the past two months, I have not been able to properly interact with her. Most of the days, she heard me crying and she came to lick me, as a sign of comfort. We played, but I was not physically there. We went for many walks, but I was trapped into overthinking that I am not good enough.
Upon my return, we have a little chat in the kitchen and they welcome me, one more time, as a family. Shortly after, I excuse myself and the couch is settled for me. Their living room will be my home for a long period of time and I need to adjust to this new reality. All I want is a good night sleep. Maybe tomorrow it will be different. Maybe tomorrow I will be better.
Maybe…